A new hot song on Philly HipHop radio:

“This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
Just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you
Caught my attention
I kissed a girl and I liked it…”

Here’s the video LINK :

Not that there’s an ounce of musical Hip Hop influence in the song, it’s a ‘concept’ thing (the popularity of, well, you can figure that one out…), I think, & of course, the Lesbians are ‘all over’ this song, one way or another…always hyper-aware of any cultural indications that we exist…

I can’t help feeling a certain delight that this has shown up on pop radio, which seems to have an on-going dis-ease with ’sexual variation’, indicated by their “homo” and gay jokes (all in good fun..??), while boasting a bisexual woman DJ who is currently married to a woman, and featuring other gay staff from time to time. Confusing. Uneasy.

I also understand that for lesbians who have suffered life-long discrimination, family rejection, job limitations, social isolation, related mental health stress and relationship challenges, a song that implies that ‘experimenting’ sexually with women by women is only a few beers away — and on par with trying a new ice-cream flavor — may be a tad, shall we say, offensive?

However, another aspect of this radio debut that tickles me is that, although on the video it all turns out to be a dream, the sheer exposure to the song will, no doubt, lead to more spontaneous girl-kissing by other girls. Not that I want all women to be lesbians, but things are still no ‘in balance’–too many people are still trying to do the right sexual thing. 

I think the main source of my glee here is that, for those of us who ‘believe’ in the Kinsey scale and therefore that everyone is some ’shade’ of bisexual, we would love to have sex and gender “match up” simply at will, as the energy flows, without ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ combinations. Unfortunately, this perspective remains just too damn radical for many folks…

Envision a world free of social and moral punishment for certain kinds of love. Time, once again, for us to evolve. The world needs, as the song goes, love sweet love all around, all forms, all the time. We’re at a crucial point, have you noticed?

Dangerous stuff, trying new things. Expressing strong feelings CAN lead to intimate relationships!

~ And intimate relationships, Dear Readers, includes the ~everything more challenging~ that follows mere girl-kissing!! Which may be why the kiss has the ‘danger zone reputation’ that it does. ~

For my Attachment Theory in Couple’s Therapy class this past semester, I wrote a 9-page paper on the subject of Fusion (psychological, not jazz) in Lesbian relationships. Yes, this is where girl-kissing can lead, co-habitation, the development of issues, and…therapy.

Sobering. However, I will spare you from most of this paper (Unless you would like the whole thing. That can be arranged.) and just share a few large snippets.

The problem:

Part of post-60’s lesbian folklore is reference to a dynamic that would be found in any lesbian ‘handbook’ or lesbian social on-line conversation group, and one that has made multiple appearances on the HBO Showtime drama The L Word-the stereotype of the fused lesbian couple. Ask any lesbian and you will find that she has either been a member of such a couple or has known one. The extreme version of the scenario goes like this: in the beginning, having spent only a few nights together, one of the pair shows up at the other’s house the with a U-Haul van filled with her worldly goods. They move in together to begin their quickly merging life. Shortly thereafter, their hair and clothing styles, although unique pre-move-in, begin to resemble each other, until they are driving their circle of lesbian friends crazy. They show up at events looking like identical twins and finish each other’s sentences, blissfully unaware, while sipping out of the same martini glass sporting two tiny straws and a double serving of olive garnishes. I wish I could say that I was imagining this or simply caught up in hyperbole, but alas, I am not. Then, shortly after the happy move-in, a phenomenon known as, “lesbian bed death” happens: the couple ceases to have sex, perhaps one of them has an affair, they ‘break up’ and move on-wash, rinse, repeat-style-to variations on the same unproductive theme.

Certainly this is not what happens in all lesbian relationships, but as with all stereotypes, there is some truth behind the image. Although, fusion can happen in any relationship, I think the fact that this dynamic has become, for lesbians, a signature stereotype is significant-we have a distinctive fusion style related, specifically, to the nature of bonding between women…

Some results of growing up in the land of social assumptions:

Meanwhile, lesbians, upon coming out, realize that we are, as a consequence, not part of this dialogue of bonding and acceptance [among heterosexuals] and, having been raised to be coupled with someone socialized ‘oppositely’, find ourselves in an interesting situation-coupled, in actuality, with someone socialized just like ourselves. This results in some practical conundrums-in dance class (and just about every other social realm) we both learned to follow and not lead, in high school Home Arts class we both learned cooking and not wood shop, our earning power was assumed to be inferior to that of our life partner’s, we were both expected to have and raise children, and neither of us was encouraged to be mechanical, scientific or a Cub Scout. Then again, there is also some undeniable benefits of shared gender socialization-we learned to nurture and cooperate, we have the same wide range of acceptable feelings (with the exception of anger), sexual mechanics are not a mystery, we both assume personal responsibility for home care, we can both have children, and last and least, we can even go to the ladies room together. The truth is, after staring at each other and wondering what to do without a script, lesbians often become very creative about role divisions and building and sharing a life…

…on living in oppression:

Living in an oppressive, rejecting society is exhausting and I have often observed that lesbians choose to limit their ‘worlds’ by where they live and work, rather than face the possibility of oppressive attitudes in wider spheres. For instance, although the town of Northampton, nick-named “Lesbianville, USA” by the show 20/20, is located in the beautiful and healthy Connecticut River Valley in Western MA, the local economic base is weak: unemployment is high, and the many couples who live in the area ‘hole up’ in the small surrounding hill towns, taking jobs as receptionists or yard workers and with other lesbians, just to be in an area that is ‘lesbian-friendly’. Interestingly, few of the local businesses are lesbian-owned. The price for safety and acceptance is often making career and life-limiting choices. This dynamic also contributes to the over-lapping nature of relationships in any local lesbian community…

There are no easy answers for, well, anything and this is also true for making a lesbian relationship work. A major dose of courage followed by an equally major helping of self-awareness is probably a good start. And therapies that DO work.

Although lesbian relationships are challenging on both personal and social levels, there have, historically, always been women willing (or courageous enough) to ‘go there’. Earlier historical periods have dictated external limitations that seem extreme today, however love and attachment have always compelled and never go out of style (no footnote needed). Current external challenges for lesbian couples include; social and family stigmatization, job, legal, and neighborhood discrimination, lack of positive relationship models, and sexual minority invisibility. The internal challenge is overcoming the very negative attitudes we learn in a heterosexual world of which we eventually realize we are not a part! Free from confining roles, lesbians in intimate relationships can have the opportunity to express authentic selves and create relationships and lives that work for them. Perhaps not too long from now, less extreme courage will be required for lesbians to build the families and lives that all people want and deserve.

Certainly, girls kissing girls is not for the faint-of-heart, even today. Yet, should this become a habit or way of life, the good news is that good, intimate relationships are to be found in this arena as well! Remember that childhood jump-roping rhyme? Someday soon, maybe even now in some towns, I hope we hear this instead of fantasy-inducing, too-overly-novel, “I kissed a girl”:

” Brenda and Sally,

sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,

first comes love, then comes marriage,

then comes ________in a baby carriage.”

Wishing you and yours every kind of love you can imagine,

Ms. SpinCycle